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Paranoidal Activity

May 18, 2010

Normally, I do not err on the side of the caution.  I err on the side of paranoia. “Paranoia”, said the great Woody Allen, ” is knowing all the facts”.  When I err, I prefer to be on the side that knows the facts.  And, Paranoia is not such a bad thing after all.

My brother, when he was quite young going to school and all, practiced so many vocations in his spare time.  At one time point of time, he simultaneously was a Bicycle repair man, Vulcanizer of tires, Cassette recorder in a Musical Shop, Electrician, Plumber, Accountant, Collection agent, and a Field hand.  And I, the most trusted lieutenant, obligingly played a sidekick in most of his experiments.  Mind you, I could almost match him in whatever he does.  Except when it came to fixing an electrical appliance where I am a total nonstarter. My brother, a live-wire, always knew if  electrical supply is on or off.  I always knew by touching the live wire.  He was like a true Goldman Material. Neither warns, nor discloses!  This had often led to me directly receiving a grossly unfair share of electricity, which in comparison is more than what Mr Arcot had supplied to whole of TN throughout his tenure.  So much so that I dare not to change a blown fuse even after so many years now! I am so paranoid of electricity that if  Death wishes to electrocute me then it will turn out to be an Epic Fail.

Apart from Electricity, I am also paranoid about driving in traffic.  While riding my bike, I scan the rear view mirror every 6th second so much so that at times I have rammed straight into a vehicle in front. You see, the scanning helps to see if any moron want to kiss my behind. Surprise! For some strange reason, all of them want to do it!  (I have never read anything in my life that taught me something, nor do I intend to do so in future. An exception, however, is this blog where I had virtually learnt about driving. The Scanning technique is learnt by me from here.) If you think that all road users are out there because they want to reach somewhere, you are mistaken. All they want is to kill you. Do not argue. The moment you see someone at your rear then fly you fools or you shall not pass. Am sure that being Paranoid in road is what that keeps me alive.

Many other things make me feel paranoid too: Eating in office canteen; parking in park lots; buying a ticket from a MTC conductor; walking in a pavement; reading the ToI; watching Arnab G etc. The list is a work in progress. All of them seemingly normal activities but are extremely dangerous when you pay close attention. The Paranoia in me helps me to avoid undertaking these dangerous missions, and when cornered to do it, I always come out less scathed thanks to paranoia which triggers a proprietary superior responsive mechanism mitigating the disaster.

I am quite sure that I am not alone and paranoia is universal. For example, my room-mate is so paranoid about safety that sometimes he locks the bathroom with a massive padlock of a size typically used in temples-closed-due-to-parampara-enmity shown in Tamil movies. I am not sure what he wants to safeguard in our unkempt bathroom. Also you, my dears, just ask yourselves whether you are paranoid, too. If you don’t think you are paranoid, then by definition you are paranoid. If you think you are paranoid then you are paranoid, too.

Don’t just be plain cautious when you err.  Be paranoid because paranoid is new normal. To paraphrase Hunter Thompson: “There is no such thing as Paranoia, it is all true.”

2 Comments leave one →
  1. June 6, 2010 12:50 pm

    Paranoid about office canteen! haha – daily use will make that activity come under the non-paranoid list!

  2. July 20, 2010 5:39 am

    The sign on my lab door says “Paranoia is good. Spray EVERYTHING”. I’m going to suggest changing it to “Paranoia is the new normal. Spray EVERYTHING”

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